Thicker Skin

The consistency of the feeling of uneasiness is irritating me. I am not accustomed to not getting what I desire or not having all the answers provided for me. It seems I am being forced to wait patiently and make my own decisions that are in my own best interest, The trouble with this is I do not know what the right choices are. I try to stay present, be present and focus on the next right thing, however the uncertainty of my future and knowing what I want are conjuring unrest inside of me; logically and illogically. Is waiting worth it? Waiting does not guarantee the result you desire. And more importantly why do you want what you want? I feel entitled to receive it because I am willing to wait for it, to be true, to be good for it. But this does not mean that because I feel this way I can or will have it.

I’m afraid of putting myself into this. I can’t handle another heartbreak, or maybe I can; I just don’t want to. I haven’t dated anyone that is in the least bit sensible, ever. I’v never wanted anyone with such a quality, My friends are shocked to see me care and genuinely like a potential interest. This is unusual, I tend to keep my distance giving just enough. I’m mad, I’m angry at myself for feeling this way, for being vulnerable, My friends tell me to enjoy the beginning of something new, but I struggle because I’m afraid that I will get hurt. Classic.

When they say things like ‘enjoy this phase’ I trust them because I know they are right, but I can’t help but question why there needs to be phases and structure at all. I stress over these questions. I think I should just stay away most times because I am much too sensitive and inquisitive to through wave after wave of unsuccessful connections. People seem to always tell you what you want to hear even if they don’t mean what they say. I have to understand that most people do not come from a place of sincerity as I do. And they are smart, to do that.

I know I shouldn’t trust my intuition, and after all my unwavering trust has mostly always left me disappointed. I just don’t want to not see others for anything other than truly good. And I know they can be good and still hurt me. That’s okay. The term ‘thicker skin’ comes to mind. Seems though this time I am the one telling myself I need to have it.

-P